Where He Isn’t

He isn’t in my pelvis.  He isn’t against my bladder.  His feet aren’t in my ribs.  He isn’t pushing his brother.  He isn’t within me.  He isn’t in my arms.  And I miss him more than my body or mind can possibly comprehend.   

But he is getting stronger day by day (technically, no longer hypoglycemic), eating like a champ, and gaining lots weight.  It’s just a matter getting the sugar boost he would have gotten had his placenta not given out on him.  My days are spent with only just enough time to feed one, pump for the other, shuttle to and from the hospital (a three-hour cycle day and night).  It’s tough on all of us, especially my poor transitioning girls.  And each time we’re asked, “When will he be home?” my heart breaks all over again.  I wish I could avoid using any combination of the following words – no, home, come, ready, glucose, stabilize, here, NICU, we, don’t, know.  In the meantime, my family is incomplete without him.  In spite of the usual chaos and the amazingly sweet, perfect, baby love, I can think of nothing else.  When he comes home I will be at peace and I promise to say so. 

We’re grateful to our friends and family for all their support during this challenging time. xo


6 responses to “Where He Isn’t

  1. I cannot imagine what that must feel like, but your words summed it up very well.
    I am so happy he is doing well and getting stronger. Your family is very strong and you will get through this, do what you need to do, and you will all be together very soon.
    If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I am trying not to bother you too much during this time, but I am here for whatever you need. I can watch the girls, cook food, (yes, I can) go to the store, whatever needs to be done. Please reach out for help if you need me. It’s difficult to know when I am offering help and when I am intruding, so please let me know.
    I love all of you and cannot wait until you are all under one roof.

  2. Oh Honey,
    Please, please give him a kiss for me WHEN he is HOME!
    He will be home. he will be home. he will be home.
    I love you .

  3. I have been sending him (and you) messages of love and strength every day.

    Ditto jb’s sentiment re: help- just because I am “laying low” does not mean I am not ready to spring into action!

  4. Magical Sarah

    dear sweet shannon,

    thank you for writing this. it is our family lifeline to you. we have wanted so desperately to know… and like the others, thinking of you ALWAYS it seems, and giving you your space.

    friends: please contact me if you would like to cook some food. i’m helping to organize meals and would love some more names on the list! ognie@yahoo.com

    love love love to you six.


  5. Hunny I am so sorry for this! He is coming home soon, I promise or you can kick my ass, punch me in the arm and yell at me all day! I wish I could take the bad and give you only the good right now!!!! I wish for that! He will be home soon, I promise you!!!

    Absolute anything you need you got, need only you ask. Call me, chat, yell, do what ever you think you need.

    Thinking of you little buddy! Wanting him home too!

  6. Dearest,

    You have been through so much to arrive at this point. Des is coming home soon, stay strong.

    I wish I was there.


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