What Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife & When Not To Say It

(Please imagine the cheeriest tone possible…) 

“I know, I’m so tired I almost fell asleep in a meeting today.  I stayed up way too late fixing that railing last night,” – after me, racing to pizza by 6:15, getting to chorus by 5, picking up Z by 4, picking up D at 3, going to a meeting at 2, working 8:30-1, and staying up all night because it feels like someone is trying to obliterate my bladder, my heart is on fire and a wide swath of my skin is caught in a taffy-pull. 

“If anyone asked, Adoption versus Pregnancy, I’m afraid I’d have to say Adoption.  So far this pregnancy thing is actually, like, pretty bad,”  – with me passed-out on the couch after vomitting (Week 13).

“All the baby hormones were supposed to make your hair and skin look amazing, what happened?” – as I’m about to leave for work.  

“Well, kids, I guess the second-trimester honeymoon is over!” – as I resentfully serve the family a dinner that took two hours to make following a particularly grueling day with the girls. 

“Honey, I hate to say this, but I think I detected a waddle in your walk this morning,” – upon seeing me stumble down the hall to the bathroom for the hundredth time that day.

If you know the person who may have so innocently said all of these things then you already know the growth potential for this list is extremely high.  It may require its own sidebar.       

Go Red Sox!                 



18 responses to “What Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife & When Not To Say It

  1. The Great Offender

    Sorry 😦

    I’ll do more thinking before I speak.

    I’m actually amazed how much you are doing while feeling so horrible and I hope I can make you more aware of this.

    These comments probably top my “foot in mouth list” that has grown so very large over the years.

    Again I’m sorry.

    Mr. Foot in Mouth

  2. The great offender puts a smile on my face;) He is still adorable even with his foot in his mouth.

    Please please do a side bar, hate to break the news but this list will grow as sure as your belly will grow!

  3. I do not know why, but pregnate women are just a target for these kinds of things. Strangers will touch your stomach, and people will make waddling jokes. No one means to be insensitive, but we can’t help but say redicilous things, because, well because, there you are… all pregnate. People love a pregnate woman.
    I remember when I was about 8 or 9 months and I was in the kitchen and my daughters father and his friend were in the LR. They started laughing and making fun of how I looked sideways. They meant no harm, they were just being silly, but I FREAKED. I was making sandwiches (for these two insensitive loons) and I came flying(literally) out of the kitchen, profanities abound, and threw a loaf of bread at them. Wonder bread slices went everywhere. Then I sat down and bawled.
    I will never forget this. They felt really bad.
    It’s just how it is.
    You’re a beautiful pregnate women and I’m sure the great offender will slip some more, make a crack or two with the kids, but it’s all in the name of love………….!

  4. oh dear god, no. deary deary me. he knows not…. and for this he must die.

    but seriously, he must speak with g. for mere commiseration.

    seriously, oh dear. is it tc? dear friend, for god’s sake, constipate your mouth! and shannon – have you tried the papaya enzymes? does this mean you’ve allowed the thoughts that allow you to want to smack people when they ask you, “isnt being pregnant just SUCH a blessing?” ofcourse it is, unintentionally interfering person, but have i mentioned…..

    it’s all part of it, i’m afraid. this too will pass, i promise.

  5. Oh, no–oh, no–oh, no Great Offender!
    Despite putting thy foot in mouth, you can still be my boyfriend since your apology melted my wee heart.

    Miss you guys.

  6. Ok, I just reread your blog. I guess I missed something the first time. Thinking the first two comments were from m you yourself about your own skin, pregnancy being really bad etc.

    Now, I realize they were made by TC. Oh my! OH my, oh my……………….


  7. Relax, you do look kind of cute with a waddle! Sorry, but it is right out there…. No one means any harm by it. Just take it and relax. You just wait till total strangers walk up to you in the most public places and put their hands on your belly. I think someone else mentioned that one. At first, you will find your self shocked, dismayed and eventually expecting it. Pregnant people rock!

    In the end, TC will come through like the champ at just the right time! All those mispoken words will be forgotten, no doubt, mark my word!

  8. If a total stranger dared lay so much as a finger on my belly they’d soon find themself on the receiving end of a WTF karate chop. With my arm cocked and ready, I’m waiting for this moment. But people might pick-up on my energy and avoid the offense (as they did with my good friend who went her entire pregnancy without a single belly rub from strangers – nicely done, 2kool).

    TC is no doubt a champ, but he’s already started to think before he speaks, which really hinders my What Not to Say list. I’m hoping he’ll soon revert back to his Foot-In-Mouth ways so I can collect more priceless material!

  9. And true (and cute) as it may be, since when does ANY pregnant woman like to be told she waddles??? If that’s a compliment, I am definitely missing something.

    Another idea I’m toying with (in the event that a stranger touches my belly) is to sweetly touch her/his breasts/balls in response. Too much?

  10. you so have to do that. I need to be with you when you fondle some women’s breast in response to an unauthorized belly rub!

    Am I allowed to spontaneously touch your belly in the event I get to see it?

  11. Can i touch your belly without fear of taking a chin hit! Might need to clarify that one before the smack down comes my way. Maybe i will re think that one!
    Holy mole, that would be a site to see. Right at Fred Meyers in the busy check out line. The whole arm twist, take them to the floor action. The calls for :”Security, security!” You could throw that Boston accent around too and shout some obsenities.
    Honestly i was groped in the meat department when some lady touched my belly. A full on front rub at like 8 months. Just be forwarned. You can not help but want too. Friends will do it, strangers will too. Most likely it will be a woman. For some reason, men seem to just give the look and a thought about doing it, but maybe they can feel the chin hit and smack down soon to come.

  12. I must admit, I wanted to touch your belly tonight. But I was afraid, very afraid.
    It was just right there, with babies in it. Who wouldn’t want to touch it? Well, anyone who dosn’t want a karate chop to the face that’s who!

    It’s just an affectionate thing.

    I would like to be there when you touch someone’s breasts in return as well.
    Bobby, you must come back and we will take Shannon out and about and hope for the best! 🙂


  13. Okay I may be going out on a limb to try and redeem myself. Knowing none of these people i may make a real ass of myself. But what the hell….. I like to live life a little dangerous these days.
    Here is why a waddle is cute: wad·dle (wäd′əl) intransitive verb
    to walk with short steps, swaying from side to side, as a duck does
    to move clumsily with a motion like this; toddle

    On the bad side when used, here goes: wat·tle (wät′’l)
    a fleshy, wrinkled, often brightly colored piece of skin which hangs from the chin or throat of certain birds, as the turkey, or of some lizards

    If your told: “Nice waddle!” and they look at your pregnant walk, they are refering to the cute duck. Ducks are Cute! Your a duck
    Now if someone says: “Holy cow did you see the wattle on that one!” Well that might not be so appealing.
    I know it is a bit twisted how my mind works but honestly I can never turn my brain off the strange and often wierd thoughts that go through it. Just know your Duck and be proud! Waddle like a duck

    If I have things all the worse in your head, sorry, but feel free to cop a feel to get me back.

  14. I am with Lori. You may cop a feel on me too, if that is needed to rectify me touching your belly.
    See, Shannon, your a duck! As she states, ducks are cute. So, waddle on my friend.
    Just don’t start quacking………


  15. Shit List: (noun), slang; the names of people who’ve in some way offended you.


    Off-line jb requested clarification on the matter of touching my belly… friends are more than welcome to touch my belly any old time, I love it. Strangers do not share the same priviledge.

  16. OOOps

    Guess you ow me a smack down! Come get it…

  17. Actually, I meant to add jb to the Shit List too for saying I was a cute duck, but the shit list is over now. We’re clear. Friends, please rub my belly. I will not hit you.

  18. The smack down you gave me hurt too much. I think i will heal my wounds. My detached retna still is not healed and my limbs you tore off well let’s just say they may not heal well.

    Now i see you are a little more serious than me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s